I best be shoving a few tricks up my sleeves!

Oh Halloween.  You really DO scare me.  Not because I get scared easily - ok, well maybe I do.  Not because I don't like to dress up.  Ok, well maybe I don't.  Those aren't the reasons why Halloween scares me though.  It's ALL. THAT. CANDY.  

Ugh, just thinking about Reese peanut butter cups makes my inner fat girl scream and do jumping jacks!  I mean, the inner fat girl is totally pinning the inner goddess in a full-body throw-down just so that we can fantasize about PB cups for a minute.  Do you think I should talk to someone about this?

Let's stop and think about this for a second.  I mean, PB cups play a HUGE (ha! did it again!) part in the story of the Husband and I.  The night we met, we both professed our love for all things chocolate and PB.  When my GF and I were leaving the bar (yes, we were that couple) Enrique Suave handed me a piece of bar till paper with his number on it and said if I ever wanted to go to NYC for Ben and Jerry's PB ice cream (which at the time wasn't available in Canada) to give him a call.  Needless to say, I called!  

At our wedding, we gave little packages with PB cups in them as the favour and we both actually mentioned PBC in our vows that we wrote - completely separate from one another.  

Our second son's name is Rhys.  

I really think we might have a problem here.  Perhaps professional help is in order!

I mean seriously, when you look at this, don't you want to eat the whole thing?  Like in one complete swallow?  OK, maybe not, because then it would just be all gone.  Maybe what you really should do is just take teeny-tiny-itty-bitty-bites all day long and just savour the thing.  Go on, loooooooook at it!

Btw, searching for this photo led me to a really funny blog post on a blog I've never heard of before, but since we're on this ridiculous topic, I thought I'd share this with you.

Anyhow, so getting back to my original point.  I'm a bit afraid of what's going to happen with my self-control and will power this week.  I've been wavering a bit lately and am worried that if I don't avoid them all together that I'm gonna be screwed.  Let me tell you, if that inner fat girl gets set free, I'm not sure any amount of running will be able to bring her back in!  

Do you think I could just be that house that gives out apples and dental floss?  

Ya, that's what I thought too.  

So, that means there's lots of running happening for this chic this week.  Lots of running, lots of measuring of food and  SO. MUCH. WATER. DRINKING.  Hopefully any damage caused by those delectable pumpkins above will be cancelled out?

What's your Halloween weakness and what are you going to do to avoid the gain?

How in the world did I get here?

I've been thinking about this post for a long time.  I've been thinking about how I would put these thoughts, these feelings that I've had for a really long time into an actual, intelligible post.  Or more importantly, into a post that someone other than myself would actually want to read.  Well, here goes.

When I was a kid, I was skinny.  When I say kid, I mean pre-puberty.  Like up until the age of 10.  My sister was always bigger than me, so comparatively I was skinny.  I didn't play or participate in any kind of organized  sports, but my brothers and I would literally roam the neighbourhood for hours on end when we were kids.  Ah, the good ole days when we weren't worried about being snatched up into the back of a big ole van with dark tinted windows and never be heard from again!  That was just what we did.  We ran.  Like ran from the corner store that we'd just scooped 1 cent candies from!  Ran from the pile of newspapers we'd just tried to light on fire in the field behind our school - clearly, we ran because we had to.  Oh and probably because if we didn't, I could have been writing this post from a really different place?  Wait a second!  This isn't supposed to be dark and twisty yet!  Basically, my point is we 'played' outside all of the time and that's how we got our exercise.

That is until right before I turned 12.  That's when we moved to the farm.  That's when EVERYTHING changed.

When we were being hoodlums (almost entirely unbeknownst to our naive parents) in our suburban hood, I had friends.  Friends to have sleepovers with.  Friends to hang out with over those crazy long summer months.  Friends to hit the mall with.  When we moved to the farm though?  I was moving into unfamiliar territory with a bunch of kids who had been together since pre-birth.  Outsiders were not welcome there and it was made abundantly clear right away.

I spent the first few years of my sentence there hanging with the only kids who would let me stand near them.  They weren't the richest or the smartest kids in the school, but they didn't throw stuff at me or go out of their way to laugh and point.  I knew though that they weren't the cool kids and sadly, I was never really OK with that.  I KNOW!  I honestly was that kid.  The friends who actually let me hang out with them.  Who accepted me for who I was and didn't care about the fact that I didn't attend their first birthday parties weren't good enough for me?

I don't want to call it unhappiness or even sadness, but a general discontent set in on my life around that point.  I come from a family of 4 kids.  Although both of my parents worked, they didn't make a lot of money.  My mom always tried to make sure that we had everything that we needed, but having everything that we needed and having everything that we wanted were two different things.  I always WANTED to have name brand clothes.  Those weren't an option.  Varnet tops and sunglasses?  Out of the question!  Cotton Ginny and Roots sweat pants/sweat shirts?  Only if they could be found in the discount bins at the local Bargain Harold's!  Basically what I'm telling you, is that I became your regular, run of the mill, unhappy teenager at this point.

My answer?  Eat.

I didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere.  Once I got to High School, I started hanging out with girls a year older than me.  We had fun, they treated me like their little sister, but at least they were more popular than the middle school friends had been.  Socially, I still felt awkward.  I didn't have the money to buy the clothes I needed to wear to fit in with the coolest of the cool kids and I refused to go backwards on the social ladder.  So, instead I became that girl who was just pretty enough to be the fat friend in the group.  By age 16, I weighed in around 180 lbs.  Since I'm fairly tall I hid it quite well, but I was clearly over weight.  I'd never had a boyfriend except for my imaginary one from the city where I used to live (that's right, I was that  girl!)  And I had most definitely never been on a date.  Living in the country meant that until I was able to drive myself, my parents had to take me places.  That NEVER happened.  Truthfully, I'm not sure if it was because they were just too lazy/tired to take me or if it was because they didn't trust me.  Either way, my social life outside of school hours was non-existent.  So, I ate.  I ate because I was bored.  I ate because I was sad.  I ate, simply because there was nothing else to do.

When I left High School, I swore that I was leaving that person behind.  That I would go out into the world and I would make new friends.  That I would shed that skin and re-invent myself.  I lost about 20 lbs, I made lots of new friends at University and I felt much more like the me I wanted to be, but I still wasn't able to play with the high rollers.  You see, I chose a program (and a school) where most of the kids had money.  They could go shopping whenever they wanted.  They could party for as long and as hard as they wanted and not care about either the financial or scholastic loss because they weren't footing the bill.  I worked my way through University and am pretty sure felt resentful the whole time - regardless of the work and life experiences I was gaining the whole time.

So, fast forward to 2002.  I'd just gotten engaged to the most amazing man whom I was so excited to be spending the rest of my life with and I finally decided it was time to do something.  He had money, which meant we had money.  We could afford for me to do Weight Watchers and to join a gym and work with a personal trainer.  I did all of those things and focused on me.  I lost 34 lbs and got down to 150 lbs.  I looked fan-freaking-tastic on my wedding day - oh wait, what?  You wanna see proof?  Here it is!

Ok, so you can't really tell from this photo, and yes, I realize that my dress was pretty princess-like (I still love that dress to this very day!) but I think you probably get the idea.  I was pretty skinny.

Here's a side shot - just to prove a point (oh, and because I still love looking at my wedding pics!)

So, let's move forward a few years from the happiest-most-amazingly-fairy-tale-day-of-my-life.  I will breeze over the fact that two weeks before I got married, my mom was diagnosed with an aggressive uterine cancer that would take her life two short years later because that, at some point will require it's very own special post.

I will then tell you that after my first baby, I lost all but 10 lbs of my baby weight because I figured, what's the point?  I'm just gonna get knocked up again, right?  So.  I did.  Then I had a miscarriage.  Hi 10 new pounds, how you doin'?

Fast forward an entire year to when I finally got pregnant again and then gave birth to another beautiful boy.  I weighed the same when I came home with the littlest man as I did when I started my journey this past summer.  Sad, huh?

Fast forward through a whole bunch of other shit happening in our lives.  Jobs being lost.  Very close loved ones being lost.  Friendships ending and the messy fall-out from that.  Fast forward through all of that and you've got a million and one reasons for why I got fat again.

Rewind though to about 5 days ago.  Rewind to the day where I realized that the reason losing weight was working for me this time was because I wasn't doing it so that I could finally hear my Grandmother tell me that I looked beautiful because I was no longer the hippy granddaughter, but just as beautiful and skinny as my gorgeous and wonderful cousin, plus my Grandmother passed away last year so it's totally impossible!  I realized I wasn't doing it so that I could show up at places where I knew the people we used to call best friends, but no longer talk to would be looking smoking hot.  I realized that I was doing it because it made me feel better about me.  It made me want to get up in the morning and have a great day instead of just getting through the day.  I realized that I was doing it now because if I didn't, I might not ever get the chance to.  I realized that I was doing it because it made me feel like I was finding me again.  The pre-10 yr old hoodlum who could run around in the streets - just because.  I'm not doing this to fit in anymore.  I'm doing this because it feels right for me.  I'm doing this because I want my kids to see a healthy, happy mom.  Not an angry, frustrated and spiteful person.

I'm doing this because I know I can and because I want to.

One last image for you after this long, rambling post.  This one is to show you where I've come from and where I am now.  I'm not where I want to be yet, but I sure am a lot closer to being me!

How did you get here?

Holla! I'm baaaaack!

I know, I know.  I'm a HUGE (do you like that literal reference?) slacker this week!  It's already Tuesday - I've been back from the most beautiful place evuh, for almost 48 hrs no and not a single post.  Currently shaking my head, at me, in response to my major slacking-ness.

Ok, that's done!

Can I tell you now, what an absolutely, out of this world, freaking amazing time the Husband and I had?  I mean look at this!

Why, I ask you, would ANYONE (SO much shouting today!) want to leave this paradise?  More importantly, why would anyone be afraid to go here?  Um, this is me, raising my hand quietly and saying;

'ahem, that was you before you got there, remember?'

So, here in Canada, we may or may not have sort of a strewn perception of Mexico.  Over the last few years, there have been many incidences of Canadians vacationing in Mexico, but not returning - if you get my drift.  I think however, that there has got to be a lot of back story behind those deaths that we're not really getting all of the details of AND I think they are probably also cases of people going to places where they probably shouldn't.  I can honestly tell you, 100%, without a doubt that we WILL be going back and we will be taking our kids.  I wouldn't do that if I felt even the tiniest bit uneasy about the place.

I was, however, completely freaked out before we got there.  I mean, so freaked out that we finally got our asses into the Lawyer's office 2 days before we left to sign off on our wills and POA.  That's pretty freaked out, right?  Good that it's finally done, but bad that the thought of going on vacation to a spot that clearly isn't so bad made me do it!  I even had a convo with the BFF about passwords and people who were to be publicly bitch-slapped and then kicked the hell out of my funeral if they dared show their two-sided faces there!  I. was. freaked. out.  I'm a baby - clearly!

We seriously had the best time though.  We had moonlight massages on the beach.  We had a candlelight dinner on the beach - see?

We even had a cheesy little photo shoot done to commemorate the trip AND our 10 years of marriage - wowza!  Such a long time!

I totally placed this flower hoping the photog dude would take this exact shot!
I'm sneaky like that!

This picture makes me laugh - um, check out the water sprays...nuff said!

This is my absolute favourite shot.  So us and so not posed!

We hung out by the pool.

This was the infinity pool in front of our room.  The 'lazy' river connected us to our bar.  When we didn't feel like being social, we just hung out in our own pool and went back and forth to the bar through the river - amazing, right?  That hut behind the tree was our bar!

We slept on these amazing beds on the beach:

Honestly?  It was probably the best 4 days EVER!  I want to go back.  Really, right now!  I'm gonna go pack a bag quick.  You wanna come too?

The food, well, let's just say it was awesome.  We tried to be good - for the first day!  And then, we tried to balance things out - for the first hour of the second day!  Then we just decided that it was our 10th anniversary and we were only there for 4 days so we needed to relax and have fun.  So we did!  We ate.  We drank.  We slept.  We did...well, other stuff ;)  It was amazing!

Reality check came yesterday morning though when I stepped on the scale at home!  So, I was 165.5 last week on Wednesday when I weighed in.  Yesterday, it said...168.2 I think.  Almost 3 lbs!!!  Now, a lot of that was just a whole ton o' sodium that needed to leave my body, but I know that without running for over a week there are definitely some lbs started to creep back onto my thighs!  So, I busted out 3 miles last night and I'm going back to last week's schedule starting tonight.  I'm having a do-over if you will!  I'm still getting my JM workouts in, but I'm not busting my balls to do it.  I want to be able to maintain what I'm doing for the long haul.  I know that it would be great to be able to devote 2 hours every day to working out - and maybe some day I'll be able to do that.  Until then, running gets top bill and JM gets put in where I can!

This week is probably not going to be a victory on the scale, but hopefully it won't be a decimation either!  I'm pretty sure I've got things back under control, so we'll see what comes up tomorrow when I step on that biotch!  She might be on her own one way ticket - out my front door!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an appointment with my running shoes!

xo

Oh, just for fun, here's one of the Husband's favourite shots from our photo shoot!  Please ignore the salt water breakout on my face!

And then there were two...

Sleeps that is!  Holy hell!  This week has literally blown by.  And it definitely has blown in more way than one yup, that's what she said!  I haven't exercised since Saturday and my last run was on Friday.  What is happening here?

I honestly was going to do my long run - the big scary 9-miler, on Saturday.  I wanted to just do it and get it out of the way.  Then Saturday happened and the run didn't.  I could pull out any number of excuses, but they're all just that, excuses.  At the end of the day, I was lazy and all I did was JM.  So then I convinced myself that I could do 6 on Sunday and 3 on Monday to make up for my laziness.  That also did not happen.  We had family over for dinner on Sunday and I spent the entire afternoon cooking in the kitchen getting meals prepped for when we're away this weekend (I know, I'm the nicest sister/mama ever!)  So, what about Monday, right?

I'll tell you about Monday.  It started off at 5:30 in the morning - which you may or may not know, doesn't happen around here unless it absolutely has to.  This had to.  You see, my biggest little boy, when he was less than 2 years old, he fell and hit his head quite hard on the coffee table.  We had him checked out by the Dr immediately because he got quite the goose egg on his forehead as a result.  The assured us it was nothing.  That goose egg, it never went away.  As a matter of fact, it continued to grow until it was about the circumference of a quarter.  I know, big right?  So, our pediatrician, sent us to Sick Kids where it was ultra sounded, poked and prodded, but still no one knew what was going on.

Finally, we were sent to see a neurologist there.  He sent us for our first MRI and CT scan - which is an entirely other post about how you can feel like the worst, most helpless parent ever when they sedate your child right in front of you and you can't hold them or talk to them and tell them it's going to be alright.  I know, I'm not scared at all from the experience!  However, what you need to know is 2 things.  First, the MRI and CT scan both returned inconclusive results and showed that the cyst had characteristics of various kinds of tumors but they couldn't be sure of what it was without removing it.  So, they removed it.  Again, another post all on it's own.

The second thing you need to know is that when they did the MRI, they found that my baby had a cyst in his brain as well.  This past MRI was number 4 for my poor little dude.  When he had the second scan two years after the first, they found that the cyst had grown; because of that growth, we now have to have the MRI done yearly.  Last year however, there had been no change.  I'm desperately hoping for the same results this year.

So, Monday started out early AND it was stressful!  However, it was quick and without sedation, we were in and out of there in less than 2 hours.  Unheard of!  So, why didn't I come home and run?  Well, 1) I was a wee bit exhausted.  2) Both of the kids were home with me for the rest of the day because I felt like they deserved some down time after the crack of dawn start to their day!  Plus, the Husband is now out of town for like the next 2 weeks so I thought it would be nice for them to spend some time with him.

The other reason why the Monday run didn't happen?  I felt like poop!  I'm trying desperately to not get the cold that my little man has had for going on 4 weeks now and yesterday it felt like I was losing the battle.  Today, I'm on the fence about who is winning.

Here's the thing.  Whenever the Husband and I plan any kind of trip away, just the two of us?  One or both of us without fail gets sick.  I do NOT want to fly for 4 hours sick again.  I don't, I don't, I DON'T!!  We are flying business class to an adult only, uber romantic resort.  I. Am. Not. Going. To. Be. Sick.

I guess this was my really long way of telling you that it's been crazy around here for the last few days. And even though I really wanted to get my runs in, I haven't.  I am definitely going to be taking my shoes and gear to Mexico, but well, I'm also going to enjoy myself and relax.  I weighed in this morning at 165.5.  So even though it's not a huge decrease, at least I'm back below 166 again.  I'm going to do my best and not overindulge too much on our trip, but I'm going to have fun!

I can't wait to lie on the beach in one of the private little beach beds they have.  I shit you not!

Specially located for privacy and attended by your Beach Butler, our beach beds allow you to share intimate moments while gentle breeze and the sound of the waves pamper you.

I mean come on!  Who can be sick when there's a BEACH BUTLER ready to be at your beck and call?  Whaaaaaaaat?  That's right!  Not this girl!

So, this is probably me signing off until after Mexico so adios amigos!  I will post pics afterwards, I promise!

This chica is Mexico bound!

I'm so confused right now - I don't know how to feel!  I'm s.u.p.e.r. excited that the Husband and I are finally going on a relaxing holiday - just the two of us.  No kids, no work, just the two of us!  We're going to a super nice resort with a private swim-up pool outside of our room and apparently the food is to 'die' for.  Yes, I definitely put that word in quotations and on purpose.

It's Mexico.  I've never been.  I've heard really amazing things about the ruins and how generally beautiful the country is.  However, I'm Canadian.  In the recent past, Canadians and Mexico seem to not be the best of combinations.  It's silly, I know.  We're not really going to leave the resort - I mean we're only going for 4 days.  I want to get as much sun and surf time in as I possibly can.  However, at the back of my mind, there's that nagging voice saying 'but what if...?'  I really need to find a way to turn that voice down, ASAP!

So, ya.  The food.  Let's talk about that little issue.  If fruits and veggies are off limits while there, what does that leave me with?  Yikes!  I guess I'd better make sure that there's a gym at this place so that I can get my runs in!  I think I'll probably be taking a JM video or two with me as well!  I refuse to come back having gained weight, but I also don't want to stress about it the whole time that I'm away!  Perhaps a little case of the traveller's upset wouldn't be the worst thing after all? ;)  At least we're only going for 3 nights (Thursday - Sunday.)  I should still have enough time to get back and drink an ocean's worth of water on both Monday and Tuesday to help bring things back down to a happy place for the Wednesday weigh in!

So, my MLFC challenge team has a name.  We shall forever more be known as Santa's Babes!  I'm so excited about this group of ladies!  Everyone seems to be completely on board with getting as much out of the next 50 days as they possibly can and that excites and motivates me even more!  I'm trying to come up with some really cool mini challenges that I can put out there for us during the course of the challenge.  Things like making and posting a meal plan and then sticking to it for the entire week!  Trying at least one new workout - like Zumba or hot yoga or whatever.  Something that takes you out of your comfort zone but maybe exposes us to something new and great!

On tap this weekend?  A whole lotta running!  The schedule has me doing 3.5 tomorrow and 9 on Sunday.  I'm kind of scared of the 9.  I don't know why, but I am.  Sounds like it's time to conquer it, huh? that's what she said  Stay tuned, I'll have my usual weekend wrap up on Monday!

Happy Friday everyone!

Aaaaaand I'm right back into the thick of things!

So, just when I thought that maybe I might have to find a new way to challenge myself to get to my next goal, along came the 60-day, MLFC Challenge!  Not only am I taking this weight loss game by the nuts for the next 60-days, but I'm also spearheading a group of 4 other amazing women as their Team Captain!  I know!!  Someone is letting me be in charge?  Mwaaaaaahahahahahahaha!

The general idea of this next challenge is to, as a team, lose the most amount of weight between now (well, actually Oct 17 is the first weigh-in) and Dec 5th.  If I can keep the momentum up, I should be well into the 150's by the time the end of this one draws to a close which would be the best Christmas present ever!  I'm really looking forward to the next 60-days.  Santa's Babes (unofficial team name!) are gonna rock it!

I've been struggling this week with two things.  The first is how disappointed I felt on Monday when I stepped on that scale and it was up 2 lbs from where I was last week.  I really felt like that was a huge set-back.  I know, in the grand scheme of things it's only 2 lbs and it was probably either water retention from the extra work or for that matter a little back up in the plumbing if you know what I mean!  Not.A.Big.Deal.  However, it sucked.  Every week, that number has gone down - or at least only been up by the teeny-tiniest of smidges.  This was two whole pounds.

The other thing I've been struggling with is getting my 30-DS workouts in.  I think somewhere in my head, I'm blaming that one change in my routine for the weight-gain.  Even though I know that things have been changing in my body, I'm still so stuck on the number that glares back at me from that little window on my scale that I can't accept that the other changes (inches lost) are ultimately better than the numbers going down!

My answer to this problem?  I'm not getting on the scale in the morning at all this week.  Not until Monday morning.  Then I'll look.  And then I will know.  I've skipped one of my 30DS workouts this week, but I'm going to get the rest of them in.  If my weight is still up on Monday though, I'm gonna dump Jillian's ass on the curb and go back to my regularly scheduled running routine!  Me and running?  We have an understanding!  I do it, my weight goes down!  I like that arrangement.  A lot.

So, the husband and I have a big date coming up!  It's our 10-year anniversary on the 19th.  10 whole years I've been married to this man.  We've had some pretty great times together, and we've had some pretty rough times too.  At the end of it all though, we're still standing together and loving and laughing together.  We're still in the process of trying to book some time away.  Alone.  Sans children.  It's going to be exciting.  I will keep you posted!

In the meantime, anybody wanna share some kickass, 10th anniversary gifts?

Winner winner! Chicken dinner!

I feel like today is a bittersweet kind of a day.  The chicks completely ruled the dicks in this competition.  I mean completely - like I believe (and I don't actually have the exact figures yet to back this up but I will) I almost lost as much on my own (percentage wise) as the brother and husband did combined!
However, the bittersweet part?  I weighed in this morning at freaking 1671!!  What the hell?  This weekend I ran 15 miles collectively.  I did 30DS twice AND I stayed within my calorie goals all weekend even though it was holiday extraordinaire here in the great white north!  Last week, I saw that 165.  It was there.  And then it went away.  I gotta get that sucker back - and then bust through that bad boy like nobodies business!
On a positive note?  I'm pretty sure that I can be back down there before the end of the week.  I think I have two major issues that were a tiny bit out of my control this weekend.  The first?  Traveling around to different family dinners meant not being able to drink my regular water amounts.  When I don't drink my water I almost always gain a pound or two.  The second factor?  Well, that one is pretty much out of my control and goes a little something like, 'oh hello TOM!  Thanks for making me bloat and feel crappy!'  That should also correct itself by the end of the week.  Maybe, just maybe I'll have a huge 5 lb week finally!  How amazing would that be?  Soooooo amazing!
So now, where to go?  What to do on this awesome trip where the girls get to decide where we're going and what we're doing!  Boston is on the table for sure.  I've never been and would love to explore the shopping city in all it's splendor!  However, New Orleans and Mardi Gras are also on my list of places I really want to explore.  I love places that are full of history with beautiful old buildings and of course offer some great shopping options!  The catch is that they have to be relatively close to my house (no more than a 6/7 hour drive from Toronto) AND fun regardless the season/time of year.  I think I'm going to have to do some more research!

So, goal for this week?  Get my meal plan done asap so that I don't spend the week figuring out at 4:30 what's for dinner that night!  I think I'm going to troll my all-time-fav-low-cal-yummy-recipe-blog and see what I can come up with for the week.  I'm feeling like the veggies have definitely been lacking in our diet as of late so I need to do something about that for sure!

Gotta go get my sweat on!

ciao bellas!